Update: Jump rope for heart

Last February, William's big cousin, Noah participated in a fundraising activity to raise money for kid's with heart disease. You can check out the original post here.

We are very proud to announce that Noah was highlighted in the newspaper for raising the most money out of all the boys in school. WOW!

Noah would like to thank everyone who donated in honor of baby William and children everywhere who have struggled with heart conditions.

A Grieving Parent's Prayer

(William’s Special Day Part 8)

Looking back, I’m not sure how we kept it together that day. We were definitely still in that period of “is this really happening to us?” Mostly, we were on autopilot.

We promised ourselves that if we couldn't get up and speak, that would be ok.

But we did, somehow.

This prayer was shared by a grieving parent and friend who lost her beautiful baby girl, Stephanie almost twenty years ago. The prayer helped validate our own feelings and allowed us to grieve out loud.

We’d like to share it with you.

A GRIEVING PARENT’S PRAYER 
Written by: Bernadette Zambri
Read by: William’s parents, Liz and Tom

“GOD HAS NOT LEFT US.

we feel it difficult to pray - we need insight in new ways to pray.

we feel abandoned - we need your warmth.

we feel isolated - we need courage to take steps closer to you.

we feel hurt - we need your healing. 

we feel so sad - we need your closeness and humor.

we feel anger, resentment and bitterness - we need your peace. 

we feel afraid - we need your strength. 

we feel anxious - we need your patience. 

we feel we have lost trust in you - we need to feel your love.

GOD IS HERE WITH US”

Hallelujah Christmas for William

(William’s Special Day Part 7)

William was born during a joyous and magical time and it’s nice to think that the Christmas spirit was out there somewhere. Even though we felt immobilized in time, the world kept turning and it was mid-december. It was a devastating time, yes. But it was still the best time because it was a time that he was with us.

This song, A Hallelujah Christmas by Cloverton, brings us back to that time. William knows it well - his big cousin Madeleine sang it all season long. And she sang it beautifully during the ceremony with her father, William’s uncle Matt on piano. The lyrics are amazing. Enjoy.

A HALLELUJAH CHRISTMAS

I've heard about this baby boy

Who's come to earth to bring us joy

And I just want to sing this song to you

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

With every breath I'm singing Hallelujah

Hallelujah

A couple came to Bethlehem

Expecting child, they searched the inn

To find a place for You were coming soon

There was no room for them to stay

So in a manger filled with hay

The son of God was born, oh Hallelujah

Hallelujah

The shepherds left their flocks by night

To see this baby wrapped in light

A host of angels led them all to You

It was just as the angels said

You'll find Him in a manger bed

Emanuel and Savior, Hallelujah

Hallelujah

The Brown Star Story

(William's Special Day Part 6)

William's ceremony was positively beautiful. It was an uplifting and incredibly moving experience - everything we wished it would be. A day to honor him in a way that was fit for a little baby with a big heart. Poems and stories were shared that provided a way to connect spiritually with our little guy. One of those stories is below, it's called The Brown Star Story by Kim Steffgen.

This beautiful story could only be told by the most special of people - those who would have read him stories and taught him how to read one day if he was alive: William's big cousin, Noah and his grandmother, Terry. We think our William loved hearing it from heaven :)

THE BROWN STAR STORY 

Not long ago, astronauts found in the heavens gaseous celestial bodies – clouds of cosmic dust – which they think have finally answered the mystery of what exists between the small things in the universe, like planets, and the bigger things, like the sun. They call the cosmic dust “brown dwarfs” or “prestars,” because although brown stars have all the same elements to become a star, for some reason they never did.

All stars go on to live full lives, from their hot, bright white dwarf stage to their aged, cooler and dimmer, red giant stage. But, “brown stars” only go so far. Instead of being born to live like a normal star’s life, they remain cool and young, hiding in the heavens, sprinkled in clusters among the other stars, one hundred fifty light years from earth.

But like baby William, their roles in this universe are very important. In fact, scientists believe they serve as a link between the small things and the big things, holding the universe together; a midpoint between the beginning and ending of our universal story.

As we grieve for William who died before reaching the stardom of his earthly life, perhaps we can find comfort in the possibility that he was designated for this very special universal role. Energized by our love, William is a guardian of our memories of what was and our dreams of what someday may be.

As we look to the heavens, seeking answers, 

let us send messages of love to our “brown star” baby.

Prayers for Strength, Love, and Gratitude

(William's Special Day Part 5)

Prayers of the Faithful

~ small prayers for strength, love, and gratitude ~

Read by Grandma, Elaine and Grandpa, Bob

For William’s family especially his Mother and Father, 

that they may feel the gentle caring and love of the Holy Family: 

our Lord Jesus Christ, Mary and Joseph. 
    

☆☆☆
    

For all bereaved parents whose earthly hopes and dreams for their babies have been broken. May the memories of their babies bring them happiness.

☆☆☆
    

For William’s grandparents who mourn the death of their grandchild. 

Comfort them and give them your strength. 

☆☆☆
    

For William’s Aunties and Uncles, 

that they know that baby William is safe and happy with Jesus.

☆☆☆
    

For Madeline and Noah and all of William’s cousins present and future, 

God help them to grow in peace and love 

knowing that William is watching over them.  

☆☆☆
    

For those who cared for William in the hospital, 

that God give them strength as they continue to care for sick children.

☆☆☆
    

For family and friends whose support helps us all during this painful time, 

we pray they continue to use God's power to comfort those in need.

☆☆☆
    

For William and all babies who have died early in life, 

that these little ones are happy in the heavenly arms of Jesus.  

We’d choose him every time

So Mother’s Day was hard. And I find myself getting choked up in the days after. It wasn’t just the anticipation of Mother’s day - the advertisements of happy moms with children right besides them. William is right besides me too, just in a different way. It’s just really raw still, more so than I want to admit. And not knowing what the future holds, and losing that sweet, comfortable, innocent life we used to have. I understand everyone goes through trials in their live. I’m just jealous that most people don’t have to go through our trial.

But then again, we’d choose him every time.

I really wanted to celebrate mother’s day - not just survive it. And overall I think I did. Kate filled out a card from William to me and we ate delicious food and drank and relaxed all day.

We spruced up William’s garden too, see photo below. It’s so cute, just like him :)

William, your little garden is so beautiful. It makes me so happy. Love, Mommy

Mothers day

I am so proud to be William's mother today.

I love you, little guy. I feel your love all around me.

This mothers day my heart goes out to my William.

But my heart also goes out to all the mom's who have faced the unimaginable task of saying goodbye to their babies.

Our easter rainbow

We have been away for the last month on vacation - a chance to unwind and rest. We've reflected on how this blog has helped with healing and really want to share more.

We still think about him all the time. We still cry. But we laugh a lot more now. And we know he's right there with us every step of the way.

His love is so strong. 

People ask if the trip helped. Yes, we believe it did :) There were many special moments to cherish and lots of time to just be together as a family. We called it our "William time".

While we were away, we saw a rainbow. It was the first rainbow we've seen since his death. It was Easter Sunday and we were staying in a small town overlooking the Mediterranean sea. It was totally magical, the colors of the sea and the trees and the buildings were so vibrant even though it was sort of cloudy. Everything seemed so bright from the scattered sunbeams and surfaces shimmered from the rain showers.

I'd been feeling sad that day, it being Easter and all. All I wanted was him, my little bunny. So when I spotted the rainbow I immediately felt happy, smiled, and yelled for Tom to look. The rainbow only lasted a few moments, but that was all we needed. 

It was a reminder of how a little light can shine down and create something spectacular, how a little light can brighten up a rainy day. And a reminder that he was right there with us, that we are on this journey together.

We'd like to share a note we wrote to our little light that day:

William,

You are every beautiful thing we see,

and every good feeling we feel.

Happy Easter, little one.

Keep sending us rainbows.

We love you,

Mommy and Daddy

Easter 2015
Positano, Italy

Taken literally seconds after the rainbow dissapeared,
too short lived to capture on photo but still beautiful

"He Took Them In His Arms And Blessed Them"

(William's Special Day Part 4)

We chose two other readings for the ceremony, 
one read by Uncle Patrick and one read by Grandpa Leo. 

A READING FROM THE GOSPEL OF MATTHEW

Read by William's Uncle Patrick Schneider.

AT THAT TIME THE DISCIPLES CAME TO JESUS, SAYING, 

"WHO IS THE GREATEST IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN?" 

AND CALLING TO HIM A CHILD, 

HE PUT HIM IN THE MIDST OF THEM, 

AND SAID, "TRULY, I SAY TO YOU, 

UNLESS YOU TURN AND BECOME LIKE CHILDREN, 

YOU WILL NEVER ENTER THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN. WHOEVER HUMBLES HIMSELF LIKE THIS CHILD, HE IS THE GREATEST IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN. WHOEVER RECEIVES ONE SUCH CHILD IN MY NAME RECEIVES ME"

Uncle Pat reading at William's service - Grandpa Schneider, the officiant on the right.

William has two Uncle Patricks, both of our brother's names are Patrick. And both of our Patricks are pretty amazing people. We can envision each of them interacting with William as he grew up, having different relationships with him but both very special. We wonder how baby William would look up to each Patrick as he grew. Would he look up to them the same way we do? We think so.

We'd call Tom's brother, "Uncle Pat" and Liz's brother, "Uncle Patrick" OR "Uncle Paddy" if Patrick was hard to pronounce :)

There was no advanced notice that baby William was going to born, but if we knew what we know now, we know that both Patricks would be there in person. In some way they were there. We remember talking about them both to baby William as we held him in our arms. That he had blond hair like Uncle Pat's and how he'd watch over Uncle Patrick and keep him safe in the skies.

We often wonder what we'd do if we could go back in time to December 13, 2014. First, we'd hold baby William immediately after birth. We'd also have both uncle Patricks there in that hospital room so that they could hold him too.

William loves you guys so much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A READING FROM THE GOSPEL OF MARK
Read by William's Grandfather, Leo. 

AND THEY WERE BRINGING CHILDREN TO HIM, 

THAT HE MIGHT TOUCH THEM; 

AND THE DISCIPLES REBUKED THEM. 

BUT WHEN JESUS SAW IT HE WAS INDIGNANT, AND SAID TO THEM, 

"LET THE CHILDREN COME TO ME, DO NOT HINDER THEM; 

FOR TO SUCH BELONGS THE KINGDOM OF GOD. 

TRULY, I SAY TO YOU, 

WHOEVER DOES NOT RECEIVE THE KINGDOM OF GOD LIKE A CHILD SHALL NOT ENTER IT." 

AND HE TOOK THEM IN HIS ARMS AND BLESSED THEM, 

LAYING HIS HANDS UPON THEM.

What a Gift From God You Are

(William's special day part 3)

Madeleine sang a beautiful version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. We want to share it with you. Great job, Maddie! We know William loves your singing.

Xoxo,

Liz and Tom

Fearfully, Wonderfully Made

(William's Special Day Part 2)

A READING FROM THE BOOK OF PSALMS
Read By William's Godmother, Kate.

YOU HAVE CREATED EVERY PART OF ME;

YOU PUT ME TOGETHER IN MY MOTHER’S WOMB.

I GIVE YOU THANKS THAT I AM 

FEARFULLY, WONDERFULLY MADE;

ALL YOU DO IS STRANGE AND WONDERFUL.

I KNOW IT WITH ALL MY HEART.

WHEN MY BONES WERE BEING FORMED 

CAREFULLY PUT TOGETHER IN MY MOTHER’S WOMB,

WHEN I WAS GROWING THERE IN SECRET,

YOU KNEW THAT I WAS THERE --

YOU SAW ME BEFORE I WAS BORN.

THE DAYS ALLOTTED TO ME

HAD ALL BEEN RECORDED IN YOUR BOOK,

BEFORE ANY OF THEM EVER BEGAN.

O GOD, HOW DIFFICULT I FIND YOUR THOUGHTS;

HOW MANY OF THEM THERE ARE!

IF I COUNTED THEM, THEY WOULD BE MORE

THAN THE GRAINS OF SAND.

WHEN I AWAKE, I AM STILL WITH YOU.

Auntie loves you, William!

You guys know Kate. It was her idea of writing about William back in December. She was there right besides us through it all. She is a pediatrician who advocated for our little guy. She took photos and videos when he was born. When my voice wouldn't reach across the delivery room, she told William how much I loved him and kissed him for me. She waited a long time to meet our little one.

It's hard to describe just how important Auntie Kate is to baby William. 

All we can say is that she is the "Auntie of all Aunties". William must have been so happy to hear her speak so beautifully. Above is the version that was read during the service. It differs slightly from the one posted earlier in the It's a Wonderful Life.

The Candle Lighting Ceremony

(William's Special Day Part 1)

THE CANDLE LIGHTING CEREMONY

William's candle was placed on a small table in front of the alter. Also displayed on the table was William's teddy bear (a gift from aunt Val), a bouquet of Sweet William flowers, and William's special basket containing his small star urn wrapped up warmly in his cozy baby blankets.

William's candle is not only a symbol of his eternal life in heaven, 

it is also a symbol of his eternal presence in our family. 

The lighting of the candle was incredibly special to us. Not only to remember and honor him, but also to honor all babies who have died. Just about 8 years ago, we lit another special candle in this very same church, to honor our commitment to each other on our wedding day. As we lit William's candle, we were reminded of how this little baby strengthened our family bond. The song This Little Light of Mine was played on harp. He loved that song, we'd sing it over and over again throughout pregnancy. It reminded us of a playful little William, full of life and light. It was perfect.

We call William "our light".

William's Special Day

William's memorial service began with lots of hugs.

Some of the best hugs we've ever received were made that day. 

Big, squeeze-me-tight, bear hugs from family and friends, some who traveled quite far to be with us, to be with William, that day.

We were blown away by all the love. Our little guy must have been as well.

William's special day was filled with beautiful music. All of the songs were hand-picked, many were William's favorites - songs that we would play for him as he wiggled around in the womb.

We thank uncle Matt for playing piano, big cousin Madeleine and auntie Anne for vocals, Katie on harp, and Dot for planning and playing piano.

William's family (mom and dad, auntie and uncles, and grandparents) took part in the service. Big cousin, Noah too. Uncle Patrick and Auntie Nikki were with us in spirit :) Hearing everyone read their part and being there for baby William made the service very special.

As we share the service over the next couple of days months, we share our love for William and express our thanks to all of you.

xoxo,
Liz and Tom

Madeleine singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with accompaniment by Katie Lynch Koglin on harp.

Thank you

William’s memorial service was yesterday, and it was an incredible day filled with love. THANK YOU for celebrating him with us. Every hug, every smile, all your kind words meant so much to us. We will never forget him and we will never forget that day when we remembered him in such a special way.

We were so touched by all of you.

More memories and photos to come, for those who could not attend.

xo,

Liz and Tom

William's special basket, his bear, his candle (that was lit in honor of him), and a bouquet of sweet william flowers on display for the service. The candle remained lit for the entire celebration. 

We Will Remember Him

Waking up this morning, I feel more like a mom than other days. William is on my mind like most other mornings but today is his memorial service, a day to share him with family and friends. I suppose some of what I’m feeling is similar to what a mom would feel on her baby’s baptism or first birthday party. But I can't stop thinking if this was all a dream, that I’d wake up and have William sleeping besides me, happily oblivious that he’d be meeting everyone only hours from now.  

The service is at 11:00 today at Our Lady of Victory Church, Centerville, MA. We are bringing mementos and photos so everyone can “meet him”.

All are welcome.

XoXo

Tom and Liz

It’s a wonderful life

During pregnancy we spent a lot of time wondering about William. At first, before we knew anything was wrong, we wondered as any expectant mom or dad would. Are you going to be a scientist or an engineer, little one, I would say as I tapped on my belly. We knew he loved the sounds of sport games as he kicked and wiggled while we watched football. We wondered what his sport would be. We wondered if he’d be a dreamer, if he’d be shy or outgoing, or a beautiful combination of the two. If he’d prefer the ocean or the pool. What his favorite book would be, what his first word would be. Regardless of any of our wonders, we knew William was our William. And he was perfect in our eyes, no matter what. But still, the game was too fun, so we continued to play. William filled our lives with wonder and still does.

After we found out that William was sick we wondered why our doctors could not figure out how to save him. They fix other babies, why not him? At a certain point - we found ourselves exhausted, trapped in the hospital, just waiting for our mystery baby to be born. This scripture helped get us through all those nights when all we could do was wonder...

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding

Proverbs 3:5

We trusted God. But when William died, we wondered why God let it happen.

This gives us comfort:

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book 

before one of them came to be”

Psalm 139

We know that God lovingly embraced William’s life, long before he was born. God cradles all of our lives in this way. We believe that God did not want William to die and that he cried for us and we believe that he holds William in his arms now. We believe God was there that day leading William to his new home.

God knows the extent of our earthly lives 

and continues to knit, weave, and create us in His own image

- Genesis 1:27

~ EACH AND EVERY LIFE IS WONDERFUL TO HIM ~

While William’s life may be brief, his precious spirit will live on and spread throughout our family, friends, even strangers. William will never play football or win the science fair as we dreamed he would here on earth. Instead, he leaves us a legacy of his wonderful life, a legacy of love.

Grace

      I should be an expert on Grace.    Perhaps not professionally but I am married to an expert on the theology of Grace.  So much of our family's conversations revolve around Grace.  It's my daughter's middle name and my husband's dissertation topic.   Bernard Lonergan, my husbands favorite theologian, describes the experience of Grace as an other-wordly love, a deep set joy, and a radical peace that the world cannot give.  Although I have endured many conversations on this topic, I never truly understood what it was until 12/13/14.
       Nothing can prepare you for the death of a child.  Nothing can prepare you to watch your sister, whom you love more than anything, lose a child.  I have seen more children pass away than most people....but nothing could prepare me for losing my nephew William.
      I remember all the medicine that surrounded that day.  I know William's Apgar scores were 6 and 8.  I know what his blood gas was and every line that they put in him.....but the thing I remember most was my sister's face when she saw him.  I have seen many moms lose babies, some go hysterical in grief, some get mad, and some become speechless.  However, I have never seen one like my sister.  My sister and my brother in law took my breath away.  They savored every moment they had with their son.  They didn't let anger or the "unfairness" take over.
      Grace happened that day....it was present in the delivery room, the NICU, and the postpartum room where he took his last breath.  When I reflect back upon that day it truly was the hardest day of my life.  Ironically, after my own children's birth and my wedding it was also one of the best days of my life.  I had the privilege of being there for William's entire life.  I was there when he took his first breath and his last.  I watched my sister become a mom, then hours later lose her child.  I don't know how Matt teaches what he does.  He teaches something I couldn't fully understand until I experienced it.  Grace is something that takes over you.  So thank you my sweet William.  Auntie is forever changed by you, for you have taught me the most powerful and beautiful thing of all.

What to say when someone loses a baby

We understand that it is difficult for someone who has never lost a baby to comprehend what we are going through. You may not know what to say and that’s normal. Below are examples of what we think help us to hear and may help others you come across in life who have lost in a similar way to us.

“I don't know what to say”
“I feel terrible”
“I’m so sorry to hear about baby William”
“There are no words”
“How is today going?” -  a good alternative to “how are you”
“I thought of William today”
“Do you have a picture of William?” - We wish more people would ask. We’d love to show you William and will always have his photo on our phones or in our wallet, just like any other new parent.
“What was he like?”

Small gestures like a gentle smile when we walk into the room or giving a quick hug or pat on the back can speak volumes.

William is on our minds all the time - using his name in conversation will always light us up. When friends and family do not mention him, it can feel like they have forgotten.

People may think “I don’t want to make them cry” or “I don’t want to remind them” but our tears bring us closer to him, and we never want to forget. Sometimes you may be surprised at the depth of our feelings and wonder how long we will grieve. William was our pride and joy, a bond formed far before he was born, and we need to allow ourselves time to remember and honor our precious baby. For us, grieving isn't about moving on but instead about integrating and finding meaning with this new life.

Thank you for thinking of us. It is nice to know that the memory of William crosses your mind.

His name

William Patrick. Such a strong name for a strong little boy. We had William’s name picked years ago. William was named after his Daddy (Tom's middle name is William) and his great-great grandfather on his daddy’s side of the family.

William comes from the Germanic origin “Wilhelm” and is made up of: wil = "will or desire" and helm = "helmet, protection". We called him our little warrior because he kept fighting on despite his challenges.

William is also named after his two uncles, Uncle Patrick (Liz’s brother) and Uncle Patrick (Tom’s brother).

William Patrick. We love how the two names complement each other and we were so happy to pick out the perfect name for our son. We choose his name with love and care.

To hear you speak and write his name means the world to us.

Thank you,
Liz and Tom

Jump rope for heart

Hi my name is Noah. I am William's cousin. My school is fundraising for Jump Rope for Heart. Jump Rope for Heart is a fundraising program that raises money for people with heart problems like William. If you would like to donate money please click the link below.


Click here to donate


Happy Valentine's day everyone!

2/9/2015

Today is our due date. We made it through, thanks to the snow and family surrounding us. To tell the truth, it's these past few weeks that have been more difficult than expected. Maybe because he should be here already and the aching feeling in our empty arms reminded us of that. We knew William would never really be born on his due date. As his big heart struggled to keep up the demands, we knew he'd be delivered early. We remember praying each day to make it to tomorrow - we were so proud he made it to 31 weeks 5 days. Our little trooper. Our little star.

Just when we need some strength, our little guy sends it to us in his own special ways. Tiny little starflakes fell from the sky again but this time they landed on me. Before they could melt, Tommy snapped a few photos. I love how snowflakes are becoming a symbol of William. As unique and beautiful as William was, so is a snowflake. Exquisitely breathtaking and one of a kind.

Sharing a photo of his 13 week ultrasound.

xoxo,
Liz and Tom

Early ultrasound of William waving to us

 Starflake in my hair

Starflake on my scarf

William's Memorial Service

William, our little star

A heart so big, a baby so small, you had the strength to touch us all. 

William was born on the morning of Saturday, December 13, 2014 and died peacefully that afternoon in the arms of his parents, Elizabeth and Tom. Throughout his short life, William gave us so much happiness and hope and has since blessed us with gifts of faith and love. William’s life will grace our hearts forever. 

In addition to his parents, William leaves behind to cherish his memory his grandmothers and grandfathers, Leo and Elaine and Theresa and Robert; his godmother Katie and uncle Matt; his cousins, Noah and Madeleine; his uncle Patrick and auntie Nikki; his uncle Patrick; his great grandmother, Margaret; and numerous extended cousins, aunties, and uncles. 

In heaven, William has met his great grandmothers and great grandfathers, Dorothy and James, Pearl, Michael, Millie-Lou and Horace, Frank and Joan. 

Family and friends are welcome to attend a memorial service celebrating William’s life on 

Saturday the 14th of March at Our Lady of Victory Church in Centerville, MA

At 11:00 am

Let this baby be an inspiration to love more, to strengthen your faith, and light up your life. We are the voice of our sweet William and we hope you will come listen to his story. 

Moments in our arms, forever in our hearts

Starflakes and Snow Angels

William was our winter baby. We were going to bundle him up and brave our first winter together. I can just imagine his sweet rosy cheeks popping out of his winter hat as we ran errands or went to auntie’s house. 

Although William is not with us anymore, we feel his presence all the time, sometimes a bit stronger than others. One of those times happened during the first snowstorm since his death. Sparkly, white, snowflakes fell down to the earth in the shape of beautiful stars. We can’t help to believe that our little star sent those starflakes to let us know he was ok. 

Thank you, little one. 

We feel all your love, all the time. 

XOXO, mommy & daddy & your whole family :)

Liz's snow angel and William's starflakes

Artwork for William

William's big cousin, Madeleine is an amazing artist. She has a such a good heart and loves giving us her drawings and paintings to make us feel better. Her artwork has been displayed in our house and in our hospital room. It makes us feel happy to see her drawings every day. We'd love to share Madeleine's artwork with you. Terrific job, Maddie.

 William's Star

Maddie holding William in the snow

Two Williams in a heart

Unfair

They say life is unfair - for Tom and I, we understand this more than we ever wanted to.

It’s so unfair it hurts. For weeks after William died Tom literally had heart ache (chest pain) a physical sign of his broken heart.

We miss being those people who think “it will never happen to us”.

But it did. And we are reeling.

So we take a deep breath and look at our baby's photographs, his cute smirk, chubby cheeks, and tiny little feet, and we smile again. We are living a life where we hold William in our hearts instead of our arms and we aren’t sure we are ready to accept that yet.

Another gift that baby William gave us: the strength to make it through challenging situations. The “Will” to honor his memory by showing off the strength he gave us that day. The “Will” to be better. The “Will” to be patient, to heal, to be happy because that’s what William would want.

We've started making a list of ways to honor William. Sharing his story is one of them.

We are also planning a memorial service. We want it to be beautiful and filled with joy, a celebration of our sweet William’s life. The date should soon be finalized.

Xoxo,
Liz and Tom

1 month in heaven

I would have been 36 weeks today. My due date was February 9th, 2015. Yesterday marked William’s 1st month in heaven.

We think of him every day. But some days more than others. There will be lots of days like that this year: our due date, the holidays, mother’s day, father’s day... There is also a day in October, the national infant loss day. I've come to learn about this day as I browse baby loss websites on the internet. I’d like to share what I've found with you.

Infant Loss

There are many (millions in fact) of little ones that die each year in the US alone. From losses early in pregnancy to later term loss to infant loss, it doesn't matter which you have suffered through, because all life, no matter how tiny, is important and special to someone.

• Early pregnancy loss or miscarriage is when a baby dies before it could survive on its own. Shockingly 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage.
• Late term loss sometimes referred to as a stillbirth, is when a baby dies in the womb after a certain point of gestation, usually after 20 weeks gestation. There are ~26,000 stillbirths in the US per year.
• Neonatal loss is when a baby dies within the first days of life, like our William. There are ~19,000 neonatal losses per year.

We spent 5 days in the hospital after William was born. He was delivered via c-section to give him the best chance possible, plus he was breech with his cute little bum down. In those 5 days we felt so many emotions, one of which was loneliness. But not because we were alone, because we were new parents of a baby who died the day he was born, and we felt like we were the only ones.

Then a woman visited our room. She wanted to help us fill out some of William’s forms. She gave her condolences and surprisingly said “I know exactly how you feel”. Really? Then she told us that she lost her twin baby girls just a few months ago. She was 8 months pregnant at the time. I remember thinking how strong she was to go back to work, in a hospital where she may have lost her girls, to tell us about her loss.

Since then we have received sympathy letters from a family/friends who have also shared the death of their babies late in pregnancy. We were so thankful for those brave women and families who have reached out.

We've learned that there are many people out there who know exactly how we feel. And there is a powerful comfort that comes with sharing during times of grief. Even though we feel awful hearing about other's losses, it brings us comfort knowing we are not alone.

The gifts that William has given us are adding up. Love and compassion to those who have lost babies is just one of them.

Happy 1 month in heaven baby bear, we know you have lots of baby friends up there,

XOXO

Mommy and Daddy