Halloween in Heaven

We woke up this morning like usual, thinking of William and wondering if someone up in heaven would dress him up for his first Halloween, whispering to whoever was listening to take photos.

This time last year, William was growing well as evidenced by my swelling belly. We'd sing to him, one of our favorite songs - this little light of mine - but instead of "light" we'd sub in the word "pumpkin". Amidst the news from the doctors that there could be something wrong with him, we were still optimistic everything would be OK. And so we dreamed of his first Halloween, dressing him up in costume, thanking our lucky stars that it all turned out OK. Those were the days.

We still dream about dressing up future kids and cannot wait till we have that opportunity.

For now we send all our love up to heaven and wish we could send his R2D2 onsie up there too.

Happy Halloween, little one. We love you, pumpkin!

Xoxoxoxo

A Candle for William

We love lighting candles for our William. It's a way to honor him and there's just something so comforting about having that small flickering of light in our home. It's a symbol of the heavenly presence that surrounds us whenever we think of our little guy.

Over the summer, we were given the opportunity to reserve a perpetual candle for William at our local shrine, Saint Anthony's. How exciting, a candle that is lit all day, every day! The candle is located next to the Mary, Mother of God statue in the chapel. We've found that visiting his candle is a nice way to check out of the bustle of daily life and check in to see how he's doing in a nice, peaceful, sacred place. There, we can also ask Mary to send our prayers to heaven through the perpetual burning of William's candle.

PRAYER TO

MARY, MOTHER OF GOD

   

Holy Mary Mother of God,

Never was it known that anyone 

who asked for your protection, 

implored your help,

 or sought your intercession

Was left unaided.

Inspired with this conconfidence,

I come to you,

O Virgin of Virgins, my Mother,

To you I come.

Before you I stand, sinful

and sorrowful.

O Mother of the Word Incarnate,

Be open to my petitions,

And, in your mercy, 

hear and answer me.

Amen

Visiting his candle really does light up our lives. If you visit the city, we'd love for you to stop by the shrine to see it. You'll find it in the top row, right in the middle above the kneeler.

xoxo,
Liz and Tom

Mary, Mother of God Shrine, Boston MA

“…The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. … 

Those who live in a dark land, the Light will shine on them.” 

-Isaiah 9:2

William's candle shines bright :)

William's Mementos

Along this road of life after loss, we've accumulated messages and gifts from family, friends, even people who we've never met but were moved by William's story. It's pretty amazing. Our goal this month is to revisit all the beautiful cards and small tokens that have brought us comfort over the year. They mean so much to us.

You may wonder how we are doing. And it's easy for us to say "OK" or even "good" because sometimes it's just easier than explaining how we really feel. Most of the time there aren't any words but something has to come out. As we come closer to William's 1st birthday/anniversary of his death we feel like we are where we should be. It's hard to say we feel good, because well... sometimes we don't. Some say that you never really get over losing a child, you just learn to live with the pain. We find this to be true so far. We miss him everyday. But he also brings us happiness everyday with his cute little grin :)

We are moving forward and it just seems like it's time to reflect and continue healing.

The most important message for this post is to THANK YOU for all the support.

A collection of mementos to remember William, some gifted, some bought, all with love. A football toy, handmade burp blankets, personalized candle, angel ornaments, jewelry, rainbow art, handmade star, and many more beautiful gifts! 

Autumn angel I bought and wanted to share!

A special gift from Aunt Anne & Alex on display in our favorite part of the house, the kitchen.

Originally a baby shower decoration, I always thought I'd have this "twinkle twinkle" print on display in his nursery. For now it brings a little sparkle to my nightstand.  

There's actually more gifts stored away or in use around the house.  His most precious items have been carefully placed in his memory box and some in his special basket. We're looking forward to sharing these most special items with you when the time is right. 

Hugs,

Liz and Tom

William's corner in heaven

We've been meaning to share this poem for a while. It's been on our fridge since the week we came home from the hospital. We were at out lowest during that time. The poem came enclosed in a beautiful card from a family member, one of the first cards we received. We had no idea how many cards would follow...

This poem has helped us imagine a happy William up there with other babies... an angel band. And it reminds us of how far we've come since leaving the hospital without him.

The poem reads:

To Mother and Father

(on the death of a child)

There's a corner up in Heaven

Where the little babies play,

And our Blessed Mother watches

All throughout the livelong day.

They're a happy lot, these babies,

Sure the reason's very plain;

For they've missed the world's contagion;

Came unscathed, without its pain.

'Tis an angel band, they call them.

And you both shall blessed be:

You're the parents of an angel,

Cause your baby's there you see.

Yes, and smiling down upon you

With an innocence sublime;

Waiting, watching for the parents

They will meet in time.

May you never be rebellious.

Rather looking to that Day --

When your little guardian angel,

Will come and lead you on the Way --

With faith that falters not,

Clasp each other's hand,

Pledge yourselves to meet your baby

In that better, Happy Land.

William in Mommy's arms

Yesterday, I took a lot of time to just be with myself and feel William's spirit. I took a long bike ride, listened to music, and I colored. It felt really nice being able to have some William time and express emotions in a different way.

While I was coloring, I took special attention when working on William's body. With each stroke I thought of the day he was born and how he laid just like that in my arms. It was the best feeling in the world. When I colored his hair, I remembered how the winter sun poured in through the hospital window and lit up his golden blond locks. I just kept kissing his head. I drank him in. The way he scrunched his nose and how even his eye brows were blond. Small patches of peach fuzz dotted his entire body, like on both sides of his back right below his shoulders. Our little lion cub. He had perfect feet with tiny little toe nails. And his hands, they were also the cutest tiny hands we had ever seen, his creases matched mine. I remember kissing his eyes, his nose, his mouth. 

I used to think I may forget the way he looked to me. It really scared me. Yes, we had photos - that I'm hugely grateful for - but those were moments captured in time. I wanted to remember it all. The way he felt when I touched his skin, the warmth we shared, the way his baby scent made me drink him up, the weight of him, the way he melted our hearts. Now, I understand that I could never forget. These details are ingrained into my memory. 

So I'm sharing this beautiful image, a little tribute to me and my William, I'm happy that every time I think of him I smile. And I'm wishing everyone a nice day. 

xoxo, Liz

William in Mommy's Embrace

~ Thank you to Carly Marie for sketching this memory and sharing ~

Wave of Light

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

After experiencing the neonatal death of our son, William, we were changed forever. We grieve hard but have faith that we will meet him again. Even so, our sadness is immense. What we've learned is that life goes on, as cruel as that sounds. And it pains us to know that we'll never kiss his sweet fuzzy head again, or dress him in a football outfit on Sunday, or snuggle him when winter comes - we'll never get the chance to photograph him at a pumpkin patch, or hold his little hand, or watch as he digs into his first birthday cake. With all those thoughts, we feel that he was robbed of a beautiful life.

We also have the happy memories and inspiration our little boy has given us - and that is pure love.

Some people think that infant death and stillborn death are to be kept silent. No one wants to go there. But it happens and it happened to us. For all those who have experienced a death of a baby, we wish you well and hope you find peace. And remember, it's OK to cry.

Tonight we joined others in a candle lighting ritual called the Wave Of Light.

Please join us in lighting a candle for William and all babies who left this world too soon.

xoxo
Liz and Tom

...one set of footprints

Do you all know this poem? My sister and bro-in-law have it displayed in their house. I read whenever I visit. It has never had such an inspirational impact on me as it does now and so I'd like to share.

FOOTPRINTS

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Scenes from his life flashed across the sky.
He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life had flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand. 

He noticed that certain times of his life,

the saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. 

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
 you'd walk with me all the way.
 I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."

..."My precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
      During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only
                         one set of footprints in the sand...
... it was then that I carried you."

I refuse to believe that William's death had something to do with God's plan. I do believe he has a plan for him now. And I believe he has a plan for me and Tommy and our future. Sometimes I feel like God is placing me back down on the ground to walk on my own, but it's the most comforting thought to know I can lean on Him.

Peace, love, and faith,
Liz

This time last year

We just have to share more ultrasound photos of William. These photos were taken at a time when we discovered that something may be wrong with William. A turning point. Before this time we lived each week happily oblivious that something could ever go so wrong, we grew more and more confident that we were "out of the woods", odds were so low that anything bad could happen after 20 weeks.

Then our whole world turned upside down. We transferred to a high risk hospital and high risk specialists. We told our family.

We were still hopeful that everything may change, ultrasounds weren't 100% after all, maybe the next ultrasound would look better...

We like to think that these ultrasound photos represent how beautiful a growing life can be - how incredible that it unfolds for a little baby growing in the womb. We love looking at his scans and comparing them to his actual photos at birth. Every time we look, we see something new. 

With love,

Liz and Tom

3D scan of William with his hands over his face

He looks like he's sleeping in this one, cute little nose and lips and chin

5 little fingers up near his nose, his mouth is slightly open

Hand up by his head, his strong little heart can be seen in his chest, and his pudgy little belly underneath. A full bladder and cute little leg tucked in nice and cozy